Waifu Wars

These ladies are a bit much
by Bob Johnson

Too Dere

Belldandy (Ah! My Goddess!) vs Yuna Onoda (Futari Ecchi)

Futari Ecchi is like the “Naruto” of sex comedies, having run continuously in Japanese lad mags since 1997 and spawned 2 OVAs. The essential humour of the series relies on Yuna and Makoto being absolutely clueless but being unflappably tolerant of whatever kind of weird sex stuff starts happening around them, occasionally getting swept up themselves.

Ah! My Goddess! is yet another one of those “You Fail Theology Forever” mangas where western concepts of Heaven and/or Norse mythology get filtered through Japanese concepts of animism, bureaucracy, and the absolute necessity that all forms of spirituality be mediated through sexy shrine maidens.

Comparing the shows as a whole is like apples and oranges. However, these two characters are birds of a feather when it comes to being sweeter than a kilo of erthyritol. I can no more imagine Belldandy leaving Keiichi than Yuna leaving Makoto, and that’s a little more damning for Yuna. Makoto can be a bit of a troublemaker in ways that would never occur to Keiichi.

What makes Yuna so terrible, especially compared to other pure-type waifus, is her total lack of ability, ambition, or personality. Sure, she has household chore powers, but even her Office Lady skills are no match for the the other women in Makoto’s life. By contrast, Belldandy has ultimate cosmic power, she could do literally anything else, and yet she chooses to continue to stay with her husbando.

On the other hand, Belldandy is not commonly seen getting busier than a kiss. The one point I can give Yuna is that she’s super DTF, a very healthy quality in a waifu. Still, it’s not hard to make a call here: Belldandy by a mile.

Too Freaky

Stocking (Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt) vs Darkness (Konosuba)

Konosuba is yet another genre-savvy isekai whose focus is on RPG mechanics and its over-the-top characters. So Darkness, as the fighter, is supposed to be the hit-point sponge and soak up battle damage? Wouldn’t it be funny if she was super *into* that sort of thing? Ha ha. Watermelons ensue.

Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt is an irreverent ecchi action-adventure show where the drive-by sex jokes are just as important as the actual plot of the episode. Stocking is a gothed-out suicide girl nominally from heaven, but oddly well-versed in the dark arts, and an enthusiast of rope-and-whip scenarios. What could possibly go wrong?

Of the two of them, Darkness is more straightforward. There’s no hidden game scurrying somewhere behind her eyes. She honestly craves the sting of battle, to the point of letting bad guys win even when she could easily turn them into bloody paste. Often Darkness’ scenes are just plain embarrassing for everyone, and the show even indulges in how this same embarrassment feeds back into her complex.

Stocking is more mysterious: at first glance, she might seem to be the tame, sweets-loving alternative to Panty. In action, though, she proves to be diabolically devious, eager to thrust herself into mortal danger, and date shitty guys. As the series progresses, we learn that Stocking is simply more subtle about her sex life than Panty, rather than being a boring “pure” waifu. And Stocking’s dark streak takes a turn for the worse that the waifu-collector simply has to ignore.

It’s harder to make a call here as to which is truly worse, so I’ll declare them both bad waifus: Stocking’s inscrutable complex and poor taste in men making her a too-hard, trash waifu, and Darkness being a buxom beauty with a not-so-secret kink makes her a too-easy, trash waifu.

Too Tsun

Hayase Nagatoro (Don’t Bully Me, Nagatoro-san) vs Hana Uzaki (Uzaki-chan Wants to Hang Out!)

Uzaki-chan Wants to Hang Out! is a romantic comedy with ecchi elements, based around teasy-flirts and rotating forms of retail therapy, with the twist that Sakurai is the only one who doesn’t realize he’s Uzaki’s boyfriend for most of the show.

Please Don’t Bully Me, Nagatoro-san is about the kinds of low-grade torture that are common in a prison or school environment where people can’t easily escape each other, played off like a comedic ecchi and mainly inflicted by the title character, who truly enjoys the fact that sadistic humiliation is her chief export.

Guess which of these shows has a second season?!

If you fail to see the distinction between Nagatoro-san and Uzaki-chan, you might chalk both of them up to simple pablum for the crush-my-junk-with-your-high-heels crowd. But comparatively, Uzaki has a lot going for her: 1) she’s actually been in love with Senpai for a long time, 2) she’s a 100% confirmed college-going adult, and 3) her massive chest chonkers, clearly advertised as SUGOI DEKAI, are the stuff of instant legend on par with the MEGA MILK of days gone by.

Now, Nagatoro might have the edge in cunning, but she only applies her powers for evil. Yeah, Uzaki might tease a bit, but at the end of the day she’s snuggling on her beau’s arm, whereas Nagatoro leaves a brother hanging, or worse. Playing hard-to-get can have its place – but straight-up sadism is another thing entirely. Getting off on torture is bad news! Don’t bully your senpai.

Unfortunately, I’ve spotted Nagatoro merch in the wild – and not just safely on a shelf at a con, but literally as a daily driver T-Shirt amid regular folks at the department store. I wonder, on the off chance you meet another fan, what kind of conversation is everyone else nearby going to have to suffer through? I mean, I did my 3EW of her garbage and I need therapy already.

So final call in this waifu war: Uzaki wins by default! Nagatoro’s antics are a hard DQ.

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